Diary From My Hospital Bed
Here Is My Diary I Wrote During My Stay At Charing Cross Hospital, Hammersmith, London, UK Where I Underwent My Gender Reassignment Surgery on 5th July 2004
Charing Cross Hospital, Hammersmith, London, UK
Day
One...........Admission, 3rd July 2004
I
didn't really sleep last night, got home from work at about 1am, and went
straight to bed.
Woke
up fully, after a rather unsettled night, at about 7.30am, had a bath, & got
myself ready to leave home.
Got to the hospital, all booked in, my bed is right next to a window so at least I have got something to look at when I am bored, but then again, I don't think I will have time to get bored, the other's who are on my ward seem nice, & the staff are nice as well.
(Click On Picture To Enlarge)
Above: The View From My Hospital
Bed
I have had the
admission tests, blood pressure, blood test, oxygen level test etc. and all
seems fine, I am surprisingly not scared at all, in fact I am really looking
forward to it.
Sheena has gone
now, along with Debbie and Paul, so I can finally have a bit of a rest. No food
for me though until after the surgery on Monday, still, I could do with losing a
little bit of weight, I am allowed fluids though, Tea\Coffee etc. so not too
bad.
I have got
chatting to another girl on my ward who is also having the GRS on Monday, she
seems a lovely girl, she appears a lot more nervous that me (I am still quite
calm at this point in time), it is nice to have someone else to chat to who
understands, I hope to keep in touch with her when we go home, be nice to
compare notes.
It is now
8.30pm and I'm starving, Oh how I wish I had eaten some breakfast this morning
before I left home, but I was too nervous and too excited to even think about
food, I was lucky though, the nurse who booked me in today did allow me to go
down to the restaurant and have a small plate of chips, so that has got to keep
me going until sometime after the surgery, I had these chips at 2pm today, I
thought I had better let you know the time so that you can work out how long it
is before I finally get to see food again.
Day
Two.......Sunday 4th July 2004
I was awake
until quite late last night chatting to Chrissy and Hershey, they are really
nice girls, we were discussing, among other things, Men, and what type of Men we
liked, just general girly talk really. I finally fell asleep at around 1am, and
awoke again at around 7am, then went for a stroll around the hospital, there's
not really much else to do at the moment, and I found that the best thing to do
at this stage was to make myself scarce when it came to meal times, as it can be
quite distressing to see others eat, knowing that you are not allowed to eat at
the moment.
(Click
On Picture To Enlarge)
Above:
Myself & Sheena Sitting Outside The Front Of The Hospital
09.35am
Took my first
dose of Picolax, followed closely by the second one, I have to say that it
didn't taste quite as bad as I thought it was going to, sort of like a strong
lemon squash flavour, let's see how long it is now until I am running for the
toilet.
11.00am
OH MY GOD
!!!!!!!!!! it works, there is a contest now between myself and Chrissy to see
who can get to the toilet the fastest, this stuff does work & it gives you a
good clean out !!!!
1.00pm
Just been given
my second (and hopefully final)
"Poo-Yourself-Thin"..................sorry, I mean Picolax, dosage, I
have got a whole litre of the damn stuff to get through, but, as I said earlier,
it don't taste half as bad as I initially thought it was going to, it is just
the after-effects that are not quite so pleasant, still, no pain no gain as they
say (whoever said that has obviously never taken this damn stuff).
6.20pm
I really don't
know where it is all coming from, but there is still a lot coming out of my
rear, it feels as though I have eaten the hottest curry in the world !!!!!
Just been given
my first of many injections of Heparin, to thin down the blood, to prevent the
possibility of a Deep-Vein Thrombosis setting in, it stings a little bit, but I
reckon that I have a lot more pain yet to deal with in the next few days or so,
I really want to have a bath now, but I am to scared to just in case I have a
"little accident", I think I had better wait until my bowels settle
down a bit first.
I am still
surprisingly not scared of the surgery tomorrow, but as they
say..........."Watch this space", I managed to get a little bit of
sleep this afternoon, I feel physically drained right now, so I think I shall
have a little rest for a while.
9.50pm
Had a nice bath
earlier, the frequency of running to the toilet have finally reduced a bit, my
poor tummy is still a bit tender, but not as bad as it was earlier today, I am
not sure how well, if at all, I shall sleep tonight, as I am really excited
about tomorrow, it looks as though I shall be going down to the theatre at about
12 noon, by my reckoning I should be back up on the ward at around 6pm, I cannot
wait until I can have something to eat.
It has been a
really boring day today, not a lot to do apart from crying with the pain when I
go to the toilet, but I am still in a fairly high-spirited mood.
Day
Three.............Monday 5th July 2004...........Surgery Day
Iffy Middleton,
the Gender Specialist Nurse came to see me this morning, & gave me a great
big hug which was nice, it helped to settle my nerves a lot, I am not even
allowed to have any liquid now, not even water, until after the surgery, I just
want to hurry up and get it over and done with, then I can start on the road to
recovery, and more importantly, the road to happiness.
09.25am
Chrissy was
taken down to the theatre about half an hour ago for her surgery, she was scared
but brave, I have a lot of admiration for her, she is so young, I just wish that
I had got all this out of the way when I was her age.
Sheena is due
here at about 11.00am, it will be nice to see her, I think she is more nervous
than I am about it, Oh, I am happy to report at this stage that the effects of
the Picolax have just about worn off, thankfully, not a pleasant experience I
can tell you.
09.35am
Iffy and Mr.
Bellringer (the surgeon who is performing the surgery on me today), have just
been to see me, I have signed the consent form.
Mr. Bellringer
is such a nice cheerful person, & Iffy is so bubbly, Mr. Bellringer has told
me that it will be at around 1.30pm when I go down to theatre, but he is going
to try and get me down there sooner if possible.
I have been for a walk around a few times this morning, Oh, and I have now got my gorgeous (not!) TED stockings on, I must say, I don't think I will attempt to start a new fashion craze with these things, not very flattering I must say.
Day
Four......01.00am.........Tuesday 6th July 2004
At 1.30pm yesterday afternoon I was wheeled down to the operating theatre, I was nervous I can tell you, and I don't mind admitting that now, but I didn't really have much time to worry, as soon as the needle was put into the back of my hand, and the face mask was put on my face, the next thing I knew was waking up again in the recovery room, I thought at first that they hadn't done the surgery, it seemed only a split second ago that they were putting the needle in the back of my hand, but I can happily report that all went well, and here starts my new life as the real me.
Above:
Me In My Hospital Bed A Couple Of Days After The Surgery
So far I have
not needed any pain relief, I thought it was going to be really painful, but it
is more uncomfortable than anything else, I have got a bit of a cough, and it
hurts a little when I do cough, but not too bad in the area of surgery as such,
more in the tummy, I think it is probably due to the bandaging being so tight,
God I am so happy now, everyone else on the ward is sound asleep, so I have to
keep my joyous mood to myself for the time being, the bandaging is due to be
removed later today, I can't wait to look in the mirror and finally see what I
should have been able to see for so many years of my life.
03.00
I cannot sleep, even though I feel quite tired, I just can't settle, still, at least I am not in too much pain, I think a lot of this is because I am so happy at long last.
Day Four
.....09.40am...............Tuesday 6th July 2004
Mr. Bellringer
came round to see me a little while ago, gosh he looked quite sexy in his tight
cycling shorts & top. He has removed the "Sumo Wrestlers Belt"
(A.K.A The bandage), and was pleased with the results, I of course, had a good
look with a mirror, and I cried my eyes out, it looks so good, there isn't too
much bruising or swelling either which is surprising, I am in tears as I write
this, I can't wait for Sheena to get here so that I can show it off to her as
well.
8.30pm
Sheena came to
see me this morning, she has gone home now, she has been such a tower of support
to me right throughout all of this, I really don't believe that I would still be
alive today if it hadn't have been for her support.
I have been
downstairs today in a wheelchair, there was no way I was able to walk, still
very unsteady on my feet, which is to be expected really after what I have been
through.
Day
Five.......09.30am.........Wednesday 7th July 2004
I had a bit of
a rough night last night, it was a bit uncomfortable, feels like I might have a
touch of cystitis, oh well, welcome to womanhood and some of the things that it
brings with it.
I went for a
walk all on my own this morning, to the amazement of the nurses who saw me get
up and walk to the other end of the ward and towards the door, I went downstairs
and had a sit on the front wall (well, a squat really, sitting is a bit of a
no-no at the moment, too painful), I think my bowels might be starting to come
back to life a little bit, now that is going to be interesting, I mean, how
shall I sit on the toilet seat A\ when I can't sit anyway, and
B\ with the
catheter tube connected to me ? Answers on a postcard please.
9.00pm
I had a
brilliant day today, I have been doing a lot of walking about, I went downstairs
to the restaurant several times and had cups of tea and coffee, and had some
food as well, it was so nice to eat again, I think my poor tummy had started to
think that my throat had been cut !!!!
The nurses
allowed me to start using my own sanitary towels today, they are so much more
comfortable that the ones that the hospital supply, and easier to move around in
as well, as they are less bulky, also, they fitted a leg-bag for the catheter
today so that I am able to move around a lot more, I feel a lot more dignified
now with that, I am also wearing my own underwear, which is a lot more
comfortable than the ones supplied by the hospital.
All-In All I am
quite proud of myself, I feel that I have made good progress today, no sign of
any return of bowel movement yet, I am wondering just where the food that I have
eaten today has all gone to, hey, I hope I don't get fat, maybe they will let me
take some Picolax home with me (only joking).
Day
Six.......Thursday 8th July 2004
08.30am
I was awoken
today at 04.20am by another patient who was urinating on the floor at the end of
my bed, but we wont go into all of that right now.
I had a fairly
comfortable night last night, got the odd twinge here and there, but not too bad
really, I have been for a walk this morning already.
10.40am
Been for
another walk, still no "movement" (bowels that is), I thought it was
going to "perform" earlier but nope, still nothing yet.
8.30pm
Still nothing,
just had the 2 drip tubes removed from my left hand, will make it a lot more
comfortable. Hopefully I am going to be given something to assist the bowel
movements later.
All in All, not
been a bad day today, Iffy came to see me this morning, she had a look at the
results of the surgery and was really pleased with it all, as of course, I am as
well, I now feel that my life is taking some direction, I can finally walk tall,
with my head held high, & be proud of how I see myself, & hope that
others can be as proud of me as I am of myself.
10.10pm
Still no sign
of the much-awaited for Bowel movements yet, I have just been for a nice long
walk, now, at this point, I have to tell you all of a strange incident that
happened to me this evening. At about 9.20pm I was downstairs on the 2nd floor
of the hospital, heading towards the restaurant, and I felt as though I needed
to go to the toilet, so I nipped into the female staff toilets, there are 3
cubicles in there, & I was in the middle one, I heard a banging noise coming
from the next cubicle, and I thought it might have been a door banging because
of the wind, then as I looked at the bottom of the door to the cubicle that I
was in, there is a gap under the door, and I saw a shadow outside the door, I
thought this a bit odd as there was no-one else in there when I came in, I
decided that I didn't need to go to the toilet, so I came out the cubicle, and I
saw a lady standing there, dressed in what I can only describe as a long grey
dress, like a Victorian nurse, she was facing away from me, so I only saw her
from behind, then all of a sudden she vanished, right before my eyes, I am a
believer in the supernatural, but I don't believe that this belief influenced my
judgment in any way at all, I know what I saw and I saw it very clearly indeed.
Day
Seven.......Friday 9th July 2004
I had a bit of
a lie in this morning, I woke up at about 8am, I wasn't feeling at my best, I
was very tearful, my poor tummy hurt because my bowels were still not working,
but, finally, at 12.45pm they came back to life, I am so happy about it, now you
might think it strange that someone can be so happy about going to the toilet,
but believe me, after the pain of not being able to go for a few days it felt
like a great relief.
Iffy came to
see me today, and presented me with my 2 new "Perspex Pals" (The
Dilators), I made her laugh by asking, "where do the batteries go?"
What Size Batteries Go In This One ?
(Click On Picture To Enlarge)
8.00pm
Sheena has just
left to go home, I worry so much about her traveling all that way on her own, I
will phone her at about 10.30pm to make sure she got home safely.
The vaginal
packing is coming out tomorrow, I am looking forward to that, I will be able to
go to the toilet a lot easier, I just hope that it doesn't hurt too much when
they remove it.
Iffy took me
and Chrissy downstairs today for a nice cuppa and a chat, she is going to
arrange speech therapy for me soon, that will give me a bit more confidence, I
don't have any problems when talking to someone face to face, but it does cause some confusion when I am talking
on the phone.
Day
Eight.......Saturday 10th July 2004
Not a bad night
last night, but this morning brings with it a lot of pain and discomfort, I
managed a small bowel movement, but it hurt like crazy, I thought I was going to
split in two.
I am getting a
fair bit of pain around the vaginal area, which I think is due to the bruising
and swelling which has now come out, I am having the vaginal packing removed
today, which, I hope, will bring about some relief, and the bowels will start to
work a bit easier, I really can't wait for that.
8.30pm
Well, the pack
has now been removed, it was a really strange feeling, I might even go as far as
to say that it was slightly erotic, or maybe that is just me being a bit kinky
!!!!!!
I have used the
dilators today, the first time I used them the nurse helped me, the second time
I done it all by myself, with the nurse supervising me, and I have to do it
again later tonight, it is a strange feeling really, the feeling of them
actually going inside you, although dilating at the moment is a slightly painful
experience, but not unbearable, I am just looking forward to going home on
Monday.
I had a nice
warm bath this evening, it was pure heaven on earth.
Day
Nine............Sunday 11th July 2004
I woke up this
morning & found the bottom of my bed soaking wet, the leg bag had leaked,
the nurse, bless her, changed my bed for me, and gave me a new bag, I have now
discovered the one thing that we are not pre-warned of...............the
emotions, I was in floods of tears because of this, then at 08.45am this
morning, it happened again, so the bed had to be re-made, and yes, you guessed
it, along came the tears again, I think the emotional upheaval may be because my
body is without any high levels of hormones, neither male nor female, I need to get my
female hormone levels back up as fast as I can, let's face it, I have not taken
any hormone tablets now for over 6 weeks.
I missed my 3rd
dilation last night, I was going to do it in the early hours of this morning,
but after what happened with the leg bags, I just didn't feel like doing it, but
I managed to pull myself together and dilated at 06.30am this morning. I must
note at this point that, I am a smoker, and I feel that going downstairs for a
smoke has really helped me to keep myself mobile, not that I recommend anyone
smokes, but there you go, if you are a smoker then you have got to go and have a
cigarette now and then, and the fact that I have to go downstairs has made me
get up and keep myself moving around.
10.00pm
I have just
been for another walk, ok, you all know now, I went for a crafty smoke, there, I
have admitted it now.
I have mixed
feelings about going home tomorrow, I feel slightly scared about leaving the
feelings of safety and security with the knowledge that should I need help, then
it is available 24 hours a day, but when I get home, the medical help is not
going to be there, apart from my GP or the local hospital, on the other side
though, I really cannot wait to go home, to be in my own personal surroundings.
Day
Ten............Monday 12th July 2004.................Going Home Day
I had a really
unsettled night last night, I think it might be the anticipation and the slight
worry about going home today. Iffy and Mr. Bellringer came to see me today, was
nice to see them, I have now had the catheter removed, so freedom to pee at
last, now, that is going to be a very new and very strange experience for me.
Getting Home
For The First Time
Came home
today, was a rather uncomfortable journey in the back of Debbie's car, but it
was really nice to get home again, the first thing I done as soon as I walked in
the door was run to the toilet, I still hadn't had a pee since the catheter was
removed, despite the copious amounts of liquid that was forced upon me by both
Sheena and Debbie before I left the hospital, but as soon as I sat on my toilet
at home, it came flooding out, and I was right, going to pee for the very first
time after surgery WAS a strange experience I can tell you.
Update as of
Wednesday 17th November 2004
A week after I
came home from hospital, I suffered a serious infection in the vaginal area, I
went to see my GP who didn't know what as causing it, and gave me a course of
antibiotics, which did little, if anything, to help it, I ended up taking myself
to Redhill Hospital in the early hours of the Wednesday morning, and was put on
intravenous antibiotics, and my blood pressure dropped to a rather dangerous
level.
Monday 23rd October 2006
It has now been over 2 years since my surgery, and to me, it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life, it has certainly been the biggest decision, and I have absolutely NO regrets at all, apart from that I wish I had done it much earlier in life.
My dilating regime has been somewhat lapse, sometimes being in excess of 3 weeks between each dilation, but I do not have any problems when I do the dilating, although sometimes it can be a bit tight getting the stent (dilator) in, I don't seem to have lost any depth, apart from the expected loss which comes at around 5-6 months after surgery as the tissue heals up, but what I am left with, I am more than happy with.
A Couple More Pictures Taken During My Stay At Charing Cross Hospital, Hammersmith, London. I Was At The Hospital From Saturday 3rd July 2004 Until Monday Monday 12th July 2004 Click On The Picture To Enlarge It.